Why do I only write once a month?

I'm sorry to myself for not writing in a very long time.

Anyway...

I just finished watching the best sequel ever made (Godfather 2). Upon finishing it, I've realized two things from it. One: everyone dies...Two: I love my parents very much.

On the first issue, Michael is discussing with Tom about killing one of their enemies. When Tom tells Michael that it would be impossible to kill him, Michael responds by telling him, "Throughout time, history has taught us one thing: everyone can be killed."

This qoute made me feel very small. I'm getting ready to leave my home for a very long time and go to a culture that is the exact opposite of mine. There are 1.3 billion people in the country where I'm visiting, and they all have thier own problems. I say this because not 20 minutes ago, I was tossing in my bed with thoughts bouncing off of the walls in my head. As I lay, I was making a list of things I had to do the next day, which I'm sure everyone has done many times before....and a thought occured to me: how do my stress and errands and headaches pertain to everyone else? How many times has someone else thought this before? Then I got mad at myself because I had an unoriginal thought and now I'm writting it down in this blog. With that said, what is it that I need to worry about? It's obviously not what I'm worrying about now.

Secondly, I feel that the answer to my question lies in my parents. I have great parents. Moving back in with them this summer has truly helped me appreciate just what they do for me. So how does the first thought relate to the second? Why did I have to watch Godfather Part II to realize these things?

Well, as I age, I realize more and more that my parents are just like me (or I'm just like them). I'm sure they've thought the same thoughts on a restless night when they were young adults about to enter the world on thier own. How do they make their mark on a planet with 5 billion people? Are they (am I) destined for mediocrity? But I think they have it figured out. They took that question that night they thought about thier impact on Earth, and answered it when they had children. Their impact on this earth is me, it's my sister. Your parents impact on this earth is you. They have turned a selfish, cold question into a very selfless, warm one. They have given everything for me and are prepared to give even more.

.....and exhale

What is the antithesis of selflessness? I know the answer to this question. Recently, I have found that I am the personified antithesis of selflessness. I was looking at some pictures of friends that have taken a recent trip to Guatemala, and looked at what they had done for the summer.

It was beautiful.......not Guatemala, my friends actions in Guatemala. They spent a week with orphans. What drives my friends? I know the answer to this question. I could write down the answer, I could go into the detail about the answer. But do I truly KNOW what drives these people? No.....at least not recently. Especially not recently.

That's why I'm the antithesis of selflessness. My focus is very narrow this summer.....my scope is limited. I'm wearing blinders. I've been wearing them for months. Feeling like I'm marching in a straight line, like a lemming, to cliffs edge.

Looking at my friends play with these kids, with so much care in their eyes, it's beautiful.

I'm selfish.

Reverse, damn you. Reverse

Regurgitators

Series of events that occurred today have led me to a thought. My thought is now here, and I hope everyone reading this can relate with my recent frustrations.

Finals time has arrived on campus, along with the selling out of every energy drink. (As a side note, I would like to see the sales figures for energy drinks during the months of December and May). Anyway, this also bring hoards of people to the library. Loud, obnoxious, and oblivious to anyone else around them. Cramming their brain with information that they will inevitably regurgitate onto a scantron. Then they will forget whatever information they just learned.

I have a spot in the library, me and a couple of friends refer to it as, "The Cove." It's our spot, we're there 3 or 4 times a week, at The Cove. My cove has been full all week. Filled with loud, obnoxious, and oblivious regurgitators. Where's my spot?! Answer my question! Do you have memories here, is this "your spot?" I'm sure you think it is, and you tell your friends to meet you at "the spot." But it's not your spot. You're a regurgitator.

It seems that you take part in this college experience to gain knowledge. However, what they don't tell you is that if you just regurgitate information, and you know someone, you can land a pretty comfy job after school.

Then I place a phone call to a local advertising agency. I simply need to talk to someone in the human resources department. However, the operator has no idea who to connect me to. She's just a temp.

"So can you connect me to someone that would know?"

"Well sir, I don't know who that would be..."

"Oh I understand, but just anyone would be fine, I'm sure they could connect to whomever I need to speak with."

"But I don't know who that would be."

"Just anyone would do...."

"I don't think I can do that..."

So this makes me think....

Is the American workforce full of regergitators???? When does one take ownership of their education and actually apply what they've learned. So instead of the answer being "B: the knee bone's connected to the thigh bone" you can say, "Hey, the knee bone is connected to the thigh bone, so don't perform this certain operation."

You regurgitator. Go throw up all over your scantron, then land a comfy job. Be content.

Or don't.

Take ownership of the information you learn. Change the world. Whether it's the world of nursing, marketing, fashion apparel, engineering, whatever it may be, change it. Know the world you learned in school, then become the best at your world.

Regurgitators won't stand a chance.

So that's my new insult....Out of road rage today in the parking deck, a huge Chevy with their greek letters on it....you know which one I'm talking about....with the lift and the duck head on it, it reversed out of it's spot not even bothering to look and stop....So I called him a F#$@ing regurgitator.....

Sloop John B

Sloop John B. by the Beach Boys might be either the best Beach Boys song ever, or the worst. I can't decide. The harmony is amazing, but the harmony is amazing in every Beach Boys song.

Today's a little cold

Today's cold...not that cold, but suprisingly cool. It feels awesome outside. I love Spring and Easter time. It reminds me of the importance of the Resurrection. It seems that everything is dead, and then the next week everything is alive. Aka, like the Riz (Jesus).

I really love campus during this time as well.

"Spring: an experience in immortality." -Thoreau

Everyone feels youthful during the spring......it's great to watch people on campus and see how their mannerisms and overall attitudes change. It's amazing how weather can effect you like that.

Overwhelming feeling of contradiction

It seems these things (blogs) are self-serving and ego-centric. With that said, I'm going to do what every good blogger does, and talk about myself.

I had an overwhelming feeling of contradiction tonight. Spring Break is supposed to be a break from school and time for relief. That was quite the contrary. I did have a break from school and life, but the time I spent on my break was devoted to me reflecting on my actions of the last month and how selfish I've been. Not only that, but I haven't been myself. I can try to find an excuse, but I can't.

In the most un-depressed way possible, I feel like trash. I don't know what I've done to catalyze these emotions and thoughts, but my ways become more errant with each day.

And I apologize those who read and find my writings to be rather bleak, but it seems everytime I write, it seems to be in the middle of an intense emotion. I'll try to fix that.

i have to write about something.................



for two nights i've laid sleepless in my bed, i felt like had to write about something, but my mind is blank.....



i've had a blank mind for two days now.


Has your face ever burned because of embarrassment? Or because you KNOW everyone is looking at you? My face burnt twice this week....


I feel compelled to discuss how I cheated the system today....


I snuk in an can of dr. pepper and taco bell into the library today. I think I've decided on what I will do as a hobby now: stick it to the library, and practice to become an european soccer player.


I love cracking open canned drink in the huge reading room of the library. The loud noise makes everyone looks at you, and you turn red because you're embarrassed. But you love the feeling because you know that you just broke the rules, and everyone else knows it too.

Long story short, I don't feel like a renegade. I get paranoid that one of the librarians will catch me and make me throw my drink out. So I hide my drink, and I burn quietly in my chair...

Second story about how my face burnt. I finally realized that I'm "that kid" in my Consumer Behavior class. No one sits by me. Literally. I noticed this phenomena earlier in the week when people that are my friends in class moved away from me and started sitting on the other side of the room. Same with everyone else. The row behind me is empty and so is the row in front me. I have five chairs separating me from the next person on my row. I realized my face burnt after I told a third lame story about my grandmother in class. Not the third story about my grandmother, but just my third story in class that mentioned my grandmother for the first time. Get it? Anway, I think there's a limit to how many questions you can answer and how many times you can talk in a college class. And I definetly crossed that boundry on Friday. When I realized how I had crossed the threshold into "annoying kid in class-dom" I immediately sat in my chair, and burnt....